My year in Tucson was supposed to be, among other things, a time of reflection. It has been.
Before I arrived, I'd wondered whether I'd been misdiagnosed. I don't have many of the traits bipolar people have. I never skipped my medication. I mistrust and try to control my feelings. And once, my therapist in Prescott had said, "Your 'high' was so disappointing. It was like a normal person's happy."
Too sick to do much of anything after I arrived in Tucson, I did some online research. A few articles about CPTSD caught my attention. Those symptoms sounded more like mine. I tried to find a therapist in Tucson, but kept winding up at the website of a therapist in Oregon.
We've been Skyping for a few months now. At first we focused primarily on getting me physically healthy since I was having trouble getting a doctor's appointment. Chinese medicine did not seem to help; time has mostly healed whatever was wrong with me, although my energy is still very low. We've been more successful with counseling work. He's a good listener, he's on my side, and he was willing to reevaluate the diagnosis.
My last therapist thought my desire to make aliyah was absurd, that Prescott was no different than Israel. When I told her about a painful experience, she only said, "I'm sorry that happened to you." Jon believes me when I say that I'm more alive in Israel. And his response, when I told him about Pardes, was empathetic, but he also tried to understand. "You've had lots of traumatic experiences. Why do you think that was the most traumatic one?"
We've weened me off unnecessary medications and talked about a lot of things. Hopefully, I will be able to apply what I've learned.
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