What the Hell is Self-Care and When Can I Get Started on the Important Stuff?

There are so many amazing and prolific bloggers.

I, on the other hand, have several draft posts that continue to stymie me. Yesterday, I surprised myself by beginning and completing a post within an hour of waking up. It included a prayer for help in creating a better life.

Altar at Kohenet website

The immediate fruit of that prayer was that I finally wrote an application to the Kohenet Hebrew Priestess Institute. The program’s application consists of eight simple questions, but each of my earlier four drafts had been an emotional struggle that I lost. Trying to answer them is painful and I don't know why.

I hope my prayer will bear additional fruit. I have several goals for the next eleven months.

I spent half of this past year living in cheap hotels with no idea of when my aliyah visa would arrive; the physical stresses of “homelessness” eventually began to exceed even the mental stresses so I decided to sign a one-year lease for an apartment in Tucson. One goal I have for this time in Tucson is to improve my Hebrew, but there are other less easily verbalized goals. Some of them were expressed in that prayer.

I asked for community. Although I came down with another (rather serious) illness shortly after I arrived, I’ve taken advantage of some of the opportunities available here: attending several Torah study groups, accepting an invitation to a very pleasant Shabbos dinner, going to my first Heathen ritual, and volunteering to prepare and serve a Christmas dinner at a half-way house.

Unfortunately, I haven’t recovered enough to dive fully into the community. In fact, I’m still too worn out to do much of anything. (It's scary. The only time I've know someone to be this exhausted was when my father was only months away from dying.)  One of the things I mentioned in my prayer post yesterday was a new-age term that I usually eschew: self love. I also used the cliché, “You can't love and care for others unless you first love and care for yourself.”

Medieval Cat Tarot

But how much time do I have to spend caring for myself before I can start weaving my new life? The term “self care” is both annoying and overused. A hot bath now and then is all the self care that I usually need. But it’s not enough now, so perhaps learning self care needs to be one of my goals, part of the metaphorical tapestry I asked to weave.

Yesterday, I pulled a tarot card that indicates I must take (more!) time to heal. I’m not an alpha personality by any means, but spending more time in warm pajamas, only sleeping and eating, while just waiting to feel better sounds like torture.

Could it be that waiting in my pajamas is not the healing I need? Walking and hiking are two of my favorite activities and my body is aching for them. However, my energy is so low now that after an easy, twenty minutes walk, I need a couple of hours of sleep. Maybe I need to sacrifice a few hours of wakefulness each day for the sake of a pleasant walk?

The thing that drew me to Lofn’s shrine was the word “permit.” I want to be the one that grants permission for me to act. I want to permit myself to follow my path. I guess I need to permit myself to be a baby, too—and I probably need to view it is as something better than “being a baby.”

So while Lofn is "dressing the loom" for me, I’ll rest and heal. Walk and sleep.

Handmaiden of a Northern Goddess

Loom and Thread by Carl Larsson

How do I reconcile worshiping only HaShem and his Shekhinah with my awareness that other gods are real? I don't. Not "all the gods are one god" and the gods of other tribes are worth talking to.

I've been working with just one exercise in a book by Raven Kaldera and Galina Krasskova. Raven maintains an online shrine dedicated to the gods of his Northern Tradition.

An aspiration this morning took me to Raven's shrine to light a candle to a goddess. Who are Frigg's handmaids, I wondered. The word "permission" drew me and I learned the story of the goddess Lofn. Her story was lost to people until Linda Demissy asked the Handmaidens to share it with her.

It's a good story, not just for star crossed lovers, but for anyone seeking "right love." You should read it here.

This is a prayer Linda wrote for those who seek Lofn's counsel.

I am the child in chains, chafing to be free.

I am the woman wounded, by the wrath of my chosen.

I am the kid expecting a beating, cannot run or fight.

I am the boy of bravery, become a bully to feel strong.

I am the wife beaten to death, wondering why as I die.

I am the heart humiliated, who has no hope of help.

I am the one repeatedly raped, what did I do wrong?

I am the son hiding his bruises, so shame will stay secret.

I am the victim of violence, violated in my trust,

Swollen red, silently screaming “walk away!”

Walk away from anger, walk away from hurt.

Walk away when I would shame my ancestors.

I will not lash out, at my love or myself.

I will cry for my hurt, hug my own scars.

Ghosts of my bullies, to your graves be bound,

I release you now, sink to rise nevermore.

By Hela’s grace, may I be reborn.

By Lofn’s cleansing, I reclaim my heart. 

The forbidden love is love of self. Seeking "right love" means recognizing abusers and not confusing them with friends. At the risk of a cliché, you can't love and care for others unless you first love and care for yourself. 

Before I lit a real candle and the virtual candle at Lofn's shrine, I wrote these words:  

Lofn, permit me and aid me.

Spin the yarn. Dress the loom and place my hands upon it. Teach me to reweave my life with strong threads. Warp and weft. Confidence and competence. Shuttle and shot. Friendship and community. Cross and draft. Priestesshood and service.

Help me discard a veil of shame and silence. Guide me to weave a garment for dancing in vineyards. May it be the colors of gratitude, playfulness, and laughter. May its fringes remind me of my path.

I will offer comfort to the hurt and encourage speech in those who have been silenced. I will name the bullies and sing the praises of those who defeat them.

I will remember you, Lofn, and I will bless the divine presence.