Good News

At the risk of jinxing myself, I will say that I am healthy again. I made a nice Shabbos dinner for myself last night and finally went to Saturday morning Torah Study at the big, Reform shul today.

After Torah study, I asked a woman who's obviously an inveterate student if she would study Leviticus with me. Yes! We exchanged numbers. We'll start Tuesday the 26th and maybe I'll join her for a Biblical Hebrew class this Wednesday night, even though they started ten weeks ago and even though I'll have to go out after dark.

A chevruta! I've been looking for someone to study Leviticus with me forever and I finally found someone! 

It was a wonderful/horrible morning.

So nice to be at a Reform Torah study. Sure there are fewer comments citing specifically Jewish knowledge, but there is a love of Torah and a respect for other human beings that is uniquely Reform. In a Reform setting, the exploration of text is also an exploration of life and values.

Near the end of class, I had a flashback. For the first time, I recognized it for what it was. Instead of the shame of the experience and the shame of having a mind that would return to it, I could hold the memory and look at it-- and, knowing it was only CPTSD, set it to one side (where it kept poking at me like my cat does when she wants a snack at 3 in the morning).

After Torah study and talking with Kilian (while pushing away the flashback), I found comfort in basar v'chalav and a potent beer at Tucson Tamale. And I realized why I'm having some trouble starting to keep kosher again; traif is my defense mechanism against pain.

When I got home, I dragged Nutmeg's new piece of cat furniture outside so we could both bask in the sun. She prefers my lap.

So sweet!

Handmaiden of a Northern Goddess

Loom and Thread by Carl Larsson

How do I reconcile worshiping only HaShem and his Shekhinah with my awareness that other gods are real? I don't. Not "all the gods are one god" and the gods of other tribes are worth talking to.

I've been working with just one exercise in a book by Raven Kaldera and Galina Krasskova. Raven maintains an online shrine dedicated to the gods of his Northern Tradition.

An aspiration this morning took me to Raven's shrine to light a candle to a goddess. Who are Frigg's handmaids, I wondered. The word "permission" drew me and I learned the story of the goddess Lofn. Her story was lost to people until Linda Demissy asked the Handmaidens to share it with her.

It's a good story, not just for star crossed lovers, but for anyone seeking "right love." You should read it here.

This is a prayer Linda wrote for those who seek Lofn's counsel.

I am the child in chains, chafing to be free.

I am the woman wounded, by the wrath of my chosen.

I am the kid expecting a beating, cannot run or fight.

I am the boy of bravery, become a bully to feel strong.

I am the wife beaten to death, wondering why as I die.

I am the heart humiliated, who has no hope of help.

I am the one repeatedly raped, what did I do wrong?

I am the son hiding his bruises, so shame will stay secret.

I am the victim of violence, violated in my trust,

Swollen red, silently screaming “walk away!”

Walk away from anger, walk away from hurt.

Walk away when I would shame my ancestors.

I will not lash out, at my love or myself.

I will cry for my hurt, hug my own scars.

Ghosts of my bullies, to your graves be bound,

I release you now, sink to rise nevermore.

By Hela’s grace, may I be reborn.

By Lofn’s cleansing, I reclaim my heart. 

The forbidden love is love of self. Seeking "right love" means recognizing abusers and not confusing them with friends. At the risk of a cliché, you can't love and care for others unless you first love and care for yourself. 

Before I lit a real candle and the virtual candle at Lofn's shrine, I wrote these words:  

Lofn, permit me and aid me.

Spin the yarn. Dress the loom and place my hands upon it. Teach me to reweave my life with strong threads. Warp and weft. Confidence and competence. Shuttle and shot. Friendship and community. Cross and draft. Priestesshood and service.

Help me discard a veil of shame and silence. Guide me to weave a garment for dancing in vineyards. May it be the colors of gratitude, playfulness, and laughter. May its fringes remind me of my path.

I will offer comfort to the hurt and encourage speech in those who have been silenced. I will name the bullies and sing the praises of those who defeat them.

I will remember you, Lofn, and I will bless the divine presence.