Journeys

What is the most enriching way for me to proceed?
What is the most enriching way for me to proceed?
What is the most enriching way for me to proceed?

Hummingbird grabs me by the hair and we travel through lots and lots of clouds
When we pass through the barrier, there are stars and white pavement
the sky is black but we're not in the dark
He leaves me at the bottom of the stairs
I climb them, pass the small, doorless buildings with domed roofs
pass children and an old woman who looks me in the eye when I nod to her
I pass larger, white, domed buildings
When I reach the two stair cases, my teacher is waiting

Hello, Sharah

She takes me by the hand and we climb further
Then we turn down a white alley and shortly reach the desert

We begin walking in the desert
There's lots of dust, we raise it with our steps
After we walk for a while, I see that the land drops off in the distance
We reach that point and Shara begins to climb down
It's very steep and there are loose rocks
Sometimes she reaches back to help me over difficult places

The vegetation gets thick, but she pushes a way through
I hear the sound of rushing water
We reach the river and she pushes me in
When I come up and open my eyes, she's not laughing
I immerse completely and when I come up again, she cries, Kosher

So I immerse two more times
The water is rushing very quickly, the current is strong, but I stay in one place, near Shekhina
(Shekhina? Why not Shara?)

She tells me to stay there, so I lie on my back and look at the sky
It's daytime, but there are stars
The water is very cold, but I'm warm
When I want to come out, she reaches down and helps me
She wraps me in something brown and soft
We stand next to each other
I'm glad I immersed
Was that the answer to my question?

I put an arm around her shoulders and she puts an arm around my waist
We stand there looking at the river
I want to dive back in the river, but I remain still

An eagle flies overhead
I ask her to teach me something
She sits down on the edge over the river and I do, too
My feet don't touch the water
See that eagle, she says, he was a prince

I wait for the rest of the story, but she doesn't say anything more
the sky becomes dark
cloudy and dark
the hills on either side of the river are blackness
lightning and then thunder

I want to dive into the river, but I can't see it anymore because of the darkness
I look at the sky, lightning behind the clouds
then thunder
the clouds' glow becomes green
the green light becomes brighter, but I still can't distinguish anything around me

I say, I'm scared, and I reach for my teacher's hand

Don't be afraid, she says

It's daytime again
The sky is blue and there are no stars
I jump into the river and begin swimming
I'm swimming hard, but I'm moving with the current, too
Shekhinah is with me
The water is rushing uphill
Soon we're traveling very steeply uphill

There a water-rise (a reverse waterfall)
At the top, I'm standing in still, shallow water
I look up and see a drop of water hit the surface of the water, I'm at the bottom of a green pool
drops of water make rings on the water's green surface
There are plants growing down here, at the top of the waterfall
The bottom of the pool isn't large, not much space to walk further
I look up at the green water and wonder if I will float to the top
I'm lying on my back looking up in surprise because the sky is blue, not green

I sink to the bottom of the pool
I'm very sleepy
What happens if you fall asleep while you're journeying?
I swim down the waterfall, it's hard to go against the current
I keep swimming and see that I'm alone
Finally, I reach the spot where I immesed and Shekhina pulls me out
She wraps me up again and I tell her I'm very tired
She puts an arm around me and walks me up the hill
It's not so steep now and there's a path to the right

When we get to the top, she walks in a new direction
We reach her home, lots of white pavement, pillars, statues
The waterfountain and two couches are inside
Someone is waiting, kneeling on the floor between the couches, making coffee
She puts little cups on the table
My teacher points to one, I pick it up
When she lifts hers, we both drink
It's delicious
She tells me to go home and sleep

I walk outside, fly over vineyards and orchards to the base of the stairs
Hummingbird appears and carries be back

It took exactly the same amount of time to write this up as it did to journey. And I'm certain that I forgot some things.

Edit: Did I ever ask my question, "What is the most enriching way for me to proceed?"
 
 

Dream

I had a dream last night. I can only remember my interpretation of it, not much of the dream itself. I will meet Rene next April. 

April 30, 2017: I was almost run over by a speeding tour bus today, but it seems as if my interpretation of that dream was inaccurate.

Nutmeg

I have sacrificed my cat to aliyah. I keep crying about it, but if I could change it, I would not.

Nutmeg in her favorite spot

She was too old to travel overseas, so I had to find a home for her here. It took a very long time, but in late July, I finally found people willing to adopt her. The closing of their house was delayed until September. I wanted to do the right thing and ensure Nutmeg had a good home, so I postponed my aliyah (and then NBN postponed it further).

It may sound crazy, but I talked to her a lot about the changes to come, and believed that she understood and was ready to go. Our last day together was a Saturday. We stayed in bed for hours. She understood it was our last day and stayed by me all day long, not even spending any time napping in her sunny spot on the balcony. She sat on my lap while I petted and talked to her all afternoon.

Tarot Prayer to find a good home for Nutmeg

That evening, her new parents came for her. We loaded her furniture, lots of food, extra meds, brush, toys, and other possessions into their pickup truck and I drove Nutmeg to their place in my car.

I felt good about her being in her new home, but it was weird to climb the stairs to my apartment and remember that Nutmeg would not be greeting me at the door. Many times a day, I'd look around and wonder where she was. I hadn't known that so much of my attention had always been on her.

A book on the foot stool by my bed would no longer prevent her from getting into bed. My blinds could be closed at night and she wouldn't bang them against the window to look out when it started to get light. My Mac could be on my lap, instead of the arm of the chair so she could be in her favorite seat. I could walk into the kitchen without being a "tease." I didn't have to hurry home worried that she was lonely. I could sleep past sunrise instead of serving her breakfast. I even planned a short trip and purchased airline tickets because I didn't have to worry about Nutmeg being lonely. I felt liberated.

I didn't have to pet her and talk to her for half an hour at a time. She didn't jump into bed to lie right next to me at the beginning of the night. I missed her.

Ribbon is the best toy!

Wednesday, four days after the couple adopted her, the man called. I knew there was only one reason that he would call me. He told me that he thought Nutmeg was very sweet, but his girlfriend was severely allergic.

I heard myself saying, "Well, I guess you want to get her out of the house as quickly as possible." He said he'd bring her back sometime later in the week. I offered to come over and help, but he declined. I told him I could be around anytime Thursday or Friday.

Earlier that day, I'd finally received my flight reservation. Immediately after the man's call, I called two acquaintances and asked them to be on the look out for a new home for Nutmeg. I also e-mailed Nefesh b'Nefesh and learned that if I cancelled more than 30 days before the flight, the fine would only be $190, not the $2,000 that I'd expected. But I did not want to cancel my flight-- this journey has been two years in the making. Then I sat it Nutmeg's favorite chair and agonized for hours.

I imagined Nutmeg coming through the door again and how happy she'd be. After her three week stay in a pet resort, she couldn't get enough of me. Then I imagined myself, staying in Tucson for months and months, waiting for someone to adopt her, and I despaired.

It seemed my only option would be to take her to a shelter. The idea made me cringe even though several people have told me that shelters are okay. After hours of crying and worrying, I texted the man at 12:35 a.m. and asked him to do take her to a shelter for me. And then I didn't fall asleep until early early in the morning.

The girl texted me Thursday morning, very angry. "This is a medical condition." I explained my situation, but backed down a little; if they'd promise to keep looking for a home for Nutmeg, I'd take her back.

As the day got later and later, I felt like I was being tortured. Did I want to see Nutmeg coming through the door or not? Where was the man with my cat? (They had been several hours late picking her up, too.) I texted the woman and asked what time her boyfriend would bring Nutmeg over.

Her boyfriend immediately texted me: "9 tomorrow." I asked if he meant morning or night, but he didn't respond.

"Scratching is for the very young; I just recline."

I thought about Nutmeg, probably locked alone in a room to prevent the spread of allergens. She hates being alone. I considered driving over and getting her. I would be able to fit her food and her window seat in my car with her carrier. But I kept worrying about aliyah, too, so I didn't go get her. 

The next morning, I checked my messages. He'd written that he'd arrive at 9 a.m., so I waited. At 9:22, I called, but he didn't answer. I checked my messages again. I tried to text the girl, but she had "unfriended" me on Facebook. I checked my phone and didn't see any calls from him.

At 11, I called a friend and asked if I should go over to their house and try to get her. I had carefully noted how to get back there, just in case they invited me to stop by and say goodbye to Nutmeg before I left.

As I was driving there, I began to wonder. She'd be there, wouldn't she?

There was a derelict truck under the car port, but the man's black pick-up was not there. I went to the window of the room they had put her in. The blinds were down and the lights were off. Obviously, Nutmeg was gone. I was distraught.

I listened to my voice mail and found that he had left a message (using a different phone) very early in the morning. "We found her a home" was all he had said. I tried calling again, but he didn't pick up.Where was my girl? Was she okay?

I didn't have the girlfriend's phone number and I couldn't leave her a message on Facebook. Then I remembered where she worked. It's a vet's office, so I thought they might have helped locate a new home and know something about it.

Hours later, the girlfriend called me, furious that I'd called her work. Her boyfriend hadn't returned my calls because his phone wasn't working. Finally, she answered my questions. Nutmeg is with a couple who have one 10-year-old cat and, yes, she said, it's a good home. She had to hang up because she was driving. They were going away for a wedding.

When she said "Of course she's in a good home," my intuition told me that it was true. Or maybe I just want it to be true.

I don't know where Nutmeg is or what the place or the people or the other cat are like. 

I talked to another friend. She suggested I contact the man one more time. I did. I wrote that a picture of Nutmeg in her new home would ease my heart.

I haven't heard from him.

Nutmeg and her dad, three years ago

My sweet little girl. I wish I knew where you are now. I hope you are well. But I'm not going to try to find out. Please, universe, keep her safe and happy.