God has redeemed me many times... and abandoned me too, or at least that's how it seems. Hester Panim…
For the counting of the Omer, today, day one, is Chesed in Chesed, Overflowing Love (before it becomes a feeling in Gevurah) and I remembered the strange ecstasy that I felt most of the day, stopping to raise my arms or dance. Maybe that was Chesed prior to being shaped by Gevurah. What was its source?
After the blessing for counting the Omer, I considered the fact that I often catch myself saying, "I want love" but then I must respond with the words, "You're never getting any, so stop wanting it."
Is my enslavement the desire for love or is it my certainty that I'll never get any? I don't know. Sometimes I think my purpose is to give love and not worry about getting any, but that seems unfair even for someone as ugly as I am.
Tonight was not about feeling connected… it became a meditation on self-worth and the absence of love.
