Last year, after a bout of insomnia, I made reservations to visit Oregon for the High Holy Days. For years, even before I sold my house, I'd had the feeling that I needed to go there.
After I'd made the reservations and gotten some sleep, I thought I'd made a crazy decision. However, moments after I arrived at shul on erev Rosh HaShanah, I knew it had been a good choice. I wrote, "Best thing I've done for myself in 22 years!"
There were many meaningful moments during that week, but what was most notable was how it felt to be there. I felt like I had during my "ten good years." It crossed my mind that I should cancel the reservation for my aliyah flight and move to Oregon instead of Israel. What I want most is community and Torah study.
Since I've made aliyah, I've longed for Jewish community, but been unable to make any connections. And, just about everything I've tried to do since I've been here has failed. It turns out that all the reasons I didn't make aliyah five years ago were sound.
Most people consider obstacles challenges to be overcome, but I've learned to think of them as signs that I'm heading in the wrong direction. Is that defeatism or realism?
This morning, after a rare full night of sleep, I made plane reservations to leave Israel. Was I responding to intuition or did I mistake some other feeling for intuition?
I'd rather live in Israel than in the United States, but the fact is, I can't live here. Just acquiring the basics is impossible for me. I haven't found a place to live, people to practice speaking Hebrew with, or friends to spend time with. In Oregon, I think I could have community and Torah study as well as a place to live and a job.
I need that elusive something that upheld me and propelled me forward during my ten good years and I might get it at Beit Haverim.
Then again... Israel is home. I missed it so much and it was such a struggle to get back. The political situation in America is frightening. Food and medical care are certainly superior in Israel. The potential for a better future is greater here than in the States, but I need help to achieve that potential. I do not manage well alone and I'm very alone.
Whenever I've had a good night's sleep (presumably a good time to make a decision), I wake up with the certainty that I should return to the States. And every tarot reading I do, confirms that moving to Oregon would work out well for me.
Since I don't want my aliyah to be a waste, I made airline reservations to fly back to the States in five months, just before the High Holy Days, which will give me more time to learn Hebrew. (My appointment at Misrad HaKlita to request a second ulpan voucher is on April 30. I've also written to the Reform seminary, asking if I could hire a student to study the "new" Reform siddur with me.)
Round trip tickets were cheaper than a one-way ticket, so the option of returning to Israel will still be available to me, but I think a shul with a congregation that makes me feel strong and included, is the right place for me. Even though I will also be alone in (cold, rainy) Oregon, I will be in a country that I know how to navigate and I will speak the language, and I can be part of a Jewish community that uplifts me.
My first doubt came when I caught myself planning a seder for "next year in Portland," and realized that's just weird. I'm having many doubts. I will try to listen to my soul for guidance. (It's just so hard to hear my soul when I live in a place that is mostly pavement, garbage, and loud traffic.)
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